Ma(’)s Espacio

From you, the world, to or about men:

Ugh, men.

My man! 

Hairy, scary, violent, sad, lonely. Toxic. Susceptible to bad information and poor guidance.

Perched in most all positions of power. Manstretching and mansplaining away.

Creators of their own reality. Masters of their own domain. Unapologetically themselves. 

Praise be the men who are open about their sexual deviancy. Promote and prefer those who are not shy to show themselves as opportunistic, unfaithful, predatory, and overconfident.

From me, a man, to the world, about the men:

By now, in the year 2025, we know what makes a good man. We know what makes a good human being, and we especially know what makes a good man (just look at all the examples!). If masculinity is a gigantic glacier formed after each generation layers on more and more characteristics, then I mean to take a giant ice pick to the whole thing. There are elements we no longer need.

First, any sense that men can detach from personal accountability is a delusion. When they leave a trail of half-truths, a mess of misunderstanding, or a stream of untidy assumptions, men are not freed from the consequences of these pollutants. They must circle back, tidy up, say sorry. And men cannot externalize this self-accountability. They cannot shift onto others the work they must do within themselves. 

This is not to say that everything a man does deserves an apology. This is to say that we need less men who stand in another’s way because they cannot first deal with themselves.

Second, any sense that masculinity cannot include both the virtues of caretaking and of providing becomes an abdication of our evolving responsibility. If our society deems it both practical and ethical that men both work well and clean well, then we need less men who believe our calling is only unilateral or fixed. Men are not saviors, but they are very good servants and workers. 

Third, any sense that man can create his own reality is a fleeting dream at best and an instance of delusion at worst. Most men are born into the ring with reality and they must wrestle with it all their lives. Some others, though, craft their own reality—a safe, self-fulfilling prophecy—where they wrestle with other men all their lives, seeing them mostly as competition. We need for men to not proclaim only power, thinking that they have an outsized influence on the goings on around them. We need for men to not fall into a false reality, thinking theirs is the one true world. 

This is not to say that men cannot change the world. This is to say that true masculinity cannot see reality as an easy opponent.

From me, a man, to the men, about the men:

Guys, it’s 2025 and look where we’re at, on the whole: we’re not starving, we’re not at war (most of us, thankfully, at least), we have disposable income, we have entertainment, we have hobbies, we have free time, we have convenience. We are men born into a reality that seems, on average, better than at any time in the past. 

As for where I see myself among us: I don’t mean to call out other men in particular but rather to study our misbehavior so we can better avoid it in the future. I don’t mean to prioritize punishment, nor seek to shame or demean us (unless truly necessary), nor do I hold myself up as beyond reproach or imperfection. I do mean to cut through the thicket of bad habits we’ve established these two thousand plus years. I do mean to look at us fresh: if you were an alien who encountered the average, modern human male, would you be impressed? 

To be impressive to that alien, the answer is not within us, nor will it come down our timelines, nor will it simply approach us in awe of our undiscovered glory, nor will it rain down from on high. To answer judgment, we must work for all of mankind.

To answer judgment, we should be a caretaker or a laborer, a builder or a manager, a teacher or a player, an entertainer or a lawmaker, a creator, an artist, an athlete, a general maintenance man, a scholar or a lover. We should not judge ourselves too harshly, for sometimes there is not much to do. We should judge ourselves as we grow, and we should grow once we judge ourselves. 

From me, a man, to the women, about the men:

Ladies, from a gentleman who definitely does not represent all dudes but who has definitely noticed how men behave differently under your gaze…

In many—not all—instances, I have felt you are the choosers. Where you choose to put your time and attention, men follow closely. When you choose to put your time and attention on them, they follow the trail back to themselves and suddenly realize they cannot act too careful or too confident or too gregarious or too secretive or too edgy, though they often do, in order to maintain your attendance. In many social situations, I have felt your controlling the area of focus, or at least which focus is most worth attending to at the moment. This is not bad for men, because, believe me or not, men can actually focus on two things at once.

I’ve tried to pay attention to the elements of patriarchy in our society, and I’ve learned about the kinds of power that men have historically wielded both in the household and over large parts of our world. But I’ve also paid attention to how men sometimes hang on your every word as if machismo could fold from just a passing wind.

I’ve long thought about what traits I would want in a man if I were the average woman, and how women—with the power of choice—can play a role in the reproduction of those traits. I’ve also long seen how many men do not embody these traits. I must be careful with these judgments, since I am not ultimately a woman, but I don’t see the desirable traits as much different between men and women (apart from the soft parts, obviously). I would want a man who is accountable, intelligent, humorous, strong, passionate, unselfish. I would want—and do in fact have—a woman who is the same (in other words, ladies, I have already convinced one of your kind that I’m an ally, I promise, because she would not be an easy one to hold hostage).

Modern masculinity is not having a good moment in the United States, but I assure you that men are up to the task. I’ve known men for nearly 30 years now, so I’m almost an expert.

From me, a straight man, to the gay men, about the men: 

I’m adding this note because I’m grateful to have been acquainted with many homosexual and some probably bisexual men in my lifetime. I just want to show appreciation for the different types of dudes out there.

I’ve never felt my personal blend of masculinity was threatened by a gay man—I’ve actually felt that some of them embody “being a man” in ways that I have wanted to replicate. But I have noticed many men (less and less) feeling uncomfortable in the presence of a gay man. Since homosexual men and heterosexual men and bisexual men and asexual men can all define modern masculinity, feeling unnecessary discomfort in the presence of a different kind of man may mean the inquest must go inward, toward one’s own sense of self. 

Our main focus as men should be the virtues of masculinity. I believe reproduction is one of these virtues, but that is only to say two things: first, as long as we have the right number of sperm-donating men to continue the human race, we’re good, and second, that those men who do not provide sperm for an egg can still assist in the beneficial reproduction of the human race through means like child adoption and child caretaking. It is not to say that all men must reproduce or “have children”.